Life and all of its craziness!!

I meant to post this the other night but time got away from me as it usually does. So life in the past year has been extremely busy and crazy. We have had a diagnosis of cancer, fought it, beat it, learned we were adding to our family, gotten closer to some people and more distanced from others.

I have struggled with a lot of what-ifs in the past few months and I try every day to get past them. When we found out about Ivy's stuff I was certain I was done having children. This scared the daylights out of me and I didn't want to have another child and possibly end up with worse things going on, shallow thinking I know, but it happened anyway. When we got through all of her stuff so easily I breathed a sigh of relief. I began rethinking that last child and apparently so did Brian. I figured he would shut me down in an instant but surprised me. Little did we know we would get pregnant so easily with this little guy.

After I found out I was pregnant I went back to worrying. Ivy's pregnancy was not easy by any means but that would not be an indicator for what she had. I just happened to have a rough pregnancy. Nausea, severe heartburn, bad gestational diabetes, extreme exhaustion...not fun at all. I wasn't necessasrily worried about all of this though. I figured it would be worth it to add to our family one final time.

What I worry about, is that there were no indications that anything was wrong. No ultrasounds picked it up, no blood work, nothing. Hers was miniscule compared to most with sacrococcygeal teratomas. But it didn't make it any easier. I constantly worry, what if Owen has this when he is born, what if something else is going on that has gone undetected, what if Ivy has a relapse while I'm pregnant or right after Owen is born? The list goes on but these are the main things that run through my mind.

I freak if I don't feel him move for long periods of time as he is an active little booger. I relax when I feel him wiggle all around again. I try to push all the what-ifs out of my mind and enjoy my last pregnancy but some days it isn't so easy. So if I seem quiet or off, you'll know I'm having one of those days. Or if I'm overly upbeat lol. Sometimes I like to compensate and make it seem like everything is perfectly fine and it really isn't. I don't normally complain on here but sometimes we all just need to vent!